Fiction.

Today I started writing a story. It's so different to everything else I've written before.
I don't think I could ever show another person it, at least not now, maybe in years to come. It's just so personal, I've never been so open and honest about everything before. I slit myself open and poured myself onto the page. All my troubles and all my worries converted into little black typed letters. Like a large factory processor, which takes what I'm thinking and wraps it up in neat and tidy little packages. Preparing to be shipped out into a million unknown destinations.

I felt a little bit better after I wrote it. I guess it put a lot of things into perspective. I have a lot of problems, but at the same time I wouldn't be the same person I am if I didn't have them. My mind works like a giant pendulum, constantly swinging from left to right and never once showing any signs of slowing and stopping. This left and right represent all the pairs of opposites my life consists of. The main two being:
- Happiness and sadness
- Childhood and adulthood
I realised how much my life is a hybrid of all those extremes. Sometimes this pendulum moves so fast that before you know it they all get blurred together, into one big mess. I don't really mind it though. I think it's best to look at both sides of things. I sort of like to take the best of both of them, for example taking the adventurous and carefree attitude of a child and placing into a typical adult context (I don't mean adult as in sexual, just adult as in grown up. I do resent how perfectly normal terms get warped into things like that).
In reality we're all just children in whore's clothing.

This is why I want to study film and be involved in the film making process. I believe so strongly in the power of fictional characters. Their ability to make us feel better when it seems like all hope has left. They're always there for us, picking us up when we fall, listening patiently as we rant and whine and always providing a little bit of hope for the future when things turn grey. I think if I can spend my life doing this then I might be able to save myself as well as help others in a similar situation. Paranoid, neurotic, self conscious misfits like me. Obviously not in any martyr styled way. No "this story will save your life!".
Just "I was there too and this story is how I coped with it. Because it can be done".