:(

This is really hard.
Do you know that feeling were you really want to say something but you know you can't?
Like when you see something like a really sad facebook status and you really want to comment on it and try and help but you're unable to...
I need something to try and take my mind off everything but I don't know what.

This weekend was so long, frightening, exciting, stressful, giggly, tiring, fun, nerve-racking, new, upsetting, silly, embarrassing, happy, adventurous, stomach turning, relaxing, calm, frantic and most of all; unexpected.

Rhubarb.

I did a lot of thinking today.
I think I've changed as a person now, things may be a different now.
Iono it's pretty positive I think. I'm taking control of myself and getting my act together so to speak. I really need to become a stronger person and just stand firmly on my own two feet.
It's time to actually speak my mind. Tell people when they're hurting me or being a dick.
Ever since I was a kid I spent to much time hiding my feelings. I don't want to be like that anymore, I want to be strong.
I know this must all sound awfully arrogant but I think I'm overdue for this kind of change.

I went into Mall Music to apply for a job today. It went pretty well I think :D They don't have any openings right now but they invited me back to just check in every few weeks and see how things were going. One of them asked if I liked Nine Inch Nails hahaha ;D! Ahhh it's fate.
I'll still look into that other job in the meantime though.

DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT WITH BEN! ^_____^
I'm so excited!
This is just what I need, a chance to get out and relax :)

This is Consumer.

Consumer was a discarded mannequin torso. She sprouted arms and legs, black and without any solid shape or form. This was all her hatred and anger, concentrated after months and months. She was no longer sought after and was no longer looked at in high acclaim or esteem. Now every step she took was marked with a black outline, it smelt like burnt rubber and even after being washed away with gallons of water it still left a stain. Her hands had a similar effect; every she touched would be marked with a black stain. Her face was constructed from a discarded cardboard box she found behind a supermarket. The label said it once contained cuts of lamb, though it had a cross in the corner, this indicated that the food it contained was spoiled and needed to be discarded right away.

Clear mind.

I reallyreallyreallyreally need to stop worrying intensely about every little thing and just sort of sit back and relax. I know I must say that a lot but I think I'm improving somewhat from how I was before, like I think I've cut the amount of irrational worry I experience in half now. The last few weeks have been really good, I haven't really had a single thought being ridiculously over-thought (that's not a word) and I haven't started panicing. But yeah back on track; there is still a little bit more room for improvement. It's weird though because it's literally worrying about nothing, like nothing wrong has traspiried. I think I just have a weird thing in which if my mood is somewhat less than what it normally is I have to explain it otherwise I worry that I seem like a mean/awful person. This however just starts a slipperyslipperyslope, I start to worry that my explanation is of poor quality and may be misinterperated.
NOOOMOOOORE.
Life is good and a good life needs to be enjoyed :D
I have a pretty busy weekend coming up:
- Friday: Stella dearest is coming over and we're going to go watch Kate's year 11 play. It's an adpation of Twelfth Night with all the original characters being replaced with characters from Alice in Wonderland :D
- Saturday: Accompanying Ben to a Ruins+The Amenta+Psycroptic show. It should be an ...interesting experience hahaha :P naynay it shouldn't be too bad, it'll be fun to see scary metalheads thrashing about.
I apologise if this blog doesn't read very well D::
I'm in dire need of bed rest, which I'm obtaining in.. 3! 2! 1! *turns lights out* Good Night Blogspot!

I'm thinking about creating a separate blog devoted to music/album reviews. It could be really fun I think, a good excuse to waste hours listening to music and a good outlet to vent all my musical commentary. It wouldn't just be devoted to new releases and rather just cds/albums as I find them or ones I already have that I feel should be reviewed.
The only issue is where to host it. Blogspot is an obvious candidate. The only issue with that is that I want it to be completely separate from this account, not using the same username or anything. Iono I suppose I'd feel slightly uncomfortable if absolute strangers would start commenting on this blog and I want the music reviews to be on wide display rather than my own private-but-not-really-at-all thoughts. I'm hopeless with logging into things at times though. I had another blogspot account but for some reason I got logged out and could never log in again >.< With some luck I'll be able to have two separate accounts and be able to freely log into both of them.
Hopefully this will be a somewhat successful endeavour, I think my wide taste of music would be an advantage; uniting fans of industrial, riot grrrl, black metal, electronica and just general rawk :P

Gigglebots.

This is what it would look like if you woke up inside my head:





Of course I would of had to have accidentally fallen asleep during the mid-to-late evening and I accidentally left all the lights on. I actually felt somewhat almost tired writing out "asleep" then :O

Sunny Sleepy Saturday Afternoon.

I woke up with the most intense headache this morning. I have no idea where it came from, but luckily it went away at around noon or so. Either since I started reading up about lucid dreaming I've started to have the strangest dreams. I can also remember them really vividly. I think this is a good sign, one article I read said to keep a log of all the dreams you have; that way you can begin to differentiate between reality and dreams. They also said to question everything whether in a dream or awake, just to get into the habit of questioning whether your dream is real. By that they mean if you hear a dripping tap, ask yourself where it's coming from, how it got there and can it be stopped, if you go through that process and find their is no logical answer then you're dreaming haha. Imagine being able to take complete control of your dreams and be able to go adventures and bend the laws of reality.
Anyway my dream last night consisted of me sitting in the back seat of a moving car. There was someone next to me and someone driving but I couldn't see who they were, they were people but I couldn't focus on their faces. The car then turned a sharp corner and the person sitting next to me lent over and opened up my door and proceeded to push me out onto the street. I slowly fell from the car and then hit my back hard on the road. That was followed with that feeling you get when you wake up after falling in a dream, expect I didn't wake up, I was suddenly back in that same car and in a minute I was pushed out again. This went on and on in an almost endless cycle.

After doing some assessment work this morning I explored our upstairs bookshelf again. I can't believe I haven't properly done this before, there are so many interesting books just sitting there. I found 3 or 4 collections of poetry and number of other "classic" novels. I'm pretty excited to read them, I might start on a few really soon. I'm reading A Clockwork Orange at the moment. I reallyreally enjoy it but I think I might put it on hold for a tiny bit just to explore some other options. It gets a bit bleak at times and I just finished reading an incredibly bleak book (Nineteen Eighty-Four) and I'm mentally hungry for some fresh scenery. I'll still read Clockwork quite regularly though, it'll be my tea time book, warming my mind up for the main course and then perhaps a dessert novel as well. I think Macbeth shall be at the top of that list, I've been in a massive Shakespeare mood as of late.

Right now I'm watching the third and final Lord of the Rings movie; The Return of the King. I'm not going to lie to you Mr Blogspot, I love this film series, like really love it. I've always been a sucker for fantasy and Peter Jackson is an amazing director. He has the most superb eye for detail I've ever seen. Every single scene is beautifully lit and each landscape and set holds so much atmosphere. The story itself is great as well, I've always enjoy Tolkein's story telling abilities. I suppose that makes me some kind of gigantic nerd? Well I'm going to embrace it! Yes I'm a geek and I'm proud! :P One shouldn't have to hide one's interests from the world. Fantasy gets such a bad rap, why is it that it's so universally hated? It's imaginative, well written and gernally captivating, yet the single mention of anything along those lines ends in cries of "nerd! geek! yuck!" and it's discarded straight away. As if you wouldn't want to run around a beautiful green forest, slaying orcs and other nasty creatures and then retiring to a small clearing to prepare dinner and sit around gazing at the stars?! What about people who watch only comendy movies? Why aren't they pigeoned hole'd and stereotyped?! We have nerds, jocks and preps, how abouts jesters as well? "Ewwww you're watching "insert comendy movie here"! You're such a jester!".

Of course the latter half of that last paragraph was written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek haha XD I'm not going to start up a collation for the "Universal acceptance and fair treatment of all nerds, geeks, dorks and dweebs" and I don't think the fantasy genre is that disrespected :P


The spooky city of the dead, Minas Morgul


Everyone's favourite Ent, Treebeard.

Late at night.

I just watched a really interesting movie called "Waking Life". I just came across it while channel surfing with Kate before we were going to go to bed. It's a digitally enhanced live action rotoscoped film about lucid dreaming and this guy who can never seem to wake up from his dream and everyone he meets in his dream tells him their opinion of reality and how they think the world works. I missed the beginning of it though :( I must locate the dvd.